You Snooze You Lose (Depression)

Learn how I beat Depression

Awake at dawn toying with the idea of getting up.. awake at eight, and needing to be somewhere in an hour, snooze button.. fifteen minutes later, and the mind and the body are in agreement. Snooze button, calculating the timings, how long more can you push it?

It is so easy to press the self destruct button on everything we have achieved once depression is in control. What is important, still feels important, and there is still the guilt there, still ever present when you aren’t doing the things that you should be doing. They underlie, and just make the torment worse. I guess we are never really out of control of our actions, we see in the courts that temporary insanity sometimes gets people off when they have done something wrong, that they temporarily lost their ability to decide what was right.

Its 8.45 there you are still lying away enwrapped in the cocoon of stale sheets that you didn’t seem to have the energy to clean when the thought occurred to you last week. They are covered in sweat, and stinking of the product of a human being with too much time on their hands, and no outlet for their desire’s fulfillment. It is make or break time, but you have taken too much of a break, and the more restless you are to do something, the thing you need to do, the place you need to go to, the less likely you will be able to do it. It sounds like laziness really, all the symptoms are the same on being scrutinised by the outsider looking in.

The dirty sheets, the several dozen snooze buttons until it is four fifteen in the afternoon, and the cell phone where your alarm is located has rang time and time again, first from a number you recognise, then a different one, and you decide to leave it unanswered, you know that your boss is trying to ring you from a different line, trying to trick you. Your punishment will be swift, there is little way you can talk your way out of this one, if you had the courage left to persuade anyway.

The good old state can hopefully help you keep a roof over your head. That is if you can make your way to the social security department, that is if you have the energy to endure the queuing. That is if you can look the decision maker in the eyes, and explain your case. “Why did you lose your job?” ah why indeed. How can you explain it to someone who has seen laziness before? But you are not lazy, you have never been lazy. The determination of a good person we hear on the radio after an interesting death of an individual is that, they were a ‘hard worker?’

We hope that some day if it is us who dies in tragic circumstances and the reporter comes into our neighbourhood microphone in hand looking for anyone local who knew us. We hope they would say that of us. But what of the now, what would they say now? You are giving evidence that is not the case, you are letting people down, and as you self destruct you blow up your past, your track record now means nothing as you give in to depression and lye there, half sleeping, half dreaming, but waking every so often to the horrible feeling, giving you the shudders that this is a bad day, this is the day you gave up on the things you have worked hard for.

Learn how I beat Depression

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